Sunday, September 6, 2015

Self Reflection

I have been in a rut.  It's been about a 2 year rut.  I don't know what to call it either...depression...anxiety...all of the above?  All I know is I feel lost.  I feel apathetic towards my faith in God.  I feel apathetic towards my marriage and worst of all, I feel like my kids somehow pick up on this.  Funny thing, because I get a lot of satisfaction in my job, but none of it translates at home.  I love my kids but I am becoming the person who feels isolated as a parent, even maybe ill equipped to be a good mom.  I'm not a bad mom or anything.  My kids have food, shelter, nice things, but I feel like I have been drained of motivation for being an exceptional parent.  I hate the zoo, I hate going and doing "kid things" and I don't know why.  Maybe its the other moms that I see, that make me feel like i'm a sorry comparison.  Maybe its that its hot outside and I've seen the small, sad little Albuquerque Zoo a million times and i'm bored, maybe its that i'm so emotionally and physically tired that walking around aimlessly with 2 kids feels like a huge chore.  Maybe that's all selfish.  And then I feel guilty.  It's a vicious cycle. I am starting to become bitter and resentful of my home life.  I know this because I hate being home.  I love my family, but they also annoy the living shit out of me.  If its not my kids, its my husband.  He makes me feel like i'm inadequate.  He takes over parenting at the slightest hiccup, which I guess I should be grateful for, but I feel like its his way of saying that I cant handle even my own kids and i'm somehow inept at coping.  I don't know how i;m supposed to learn to be better at these things if i'm never given an opportunity.  We aren't a team.  We are just two separate people dealing with our kids two different ways, and that hurts everyone.   I feel off kilter.  I want to take time for myself to get back physically where I feel like I want to be.  I want to work out and have a body im proud of, too.  But i'm so damn exhausted.  If I have to pick between sleep and working out, I always pick sleep because im always tired.  I know something has to change.  I've tried medication for anxiety and that was terrible, but I also dont know what else to do.  I feel like if something doesn't change I will end up living a life I already resent and I will die unfulfilled with how I lived.  Funny because my job is to help other people get their lives together and I cant even fucking do it for myself.  I have no friends here to talk to or relate to and I feel so empty.  I pray and it feels unheard, I live and it feels unsatisfying and I exist on a pane that is just numb.  I want out of this situation and I dont know how to help myself.  I want a family that is enriching and full of joy.  I want  husband that feeds my soul and actually feels like my other half.  I want joy.  I want romance.  I want so much to just be able to laugh and have fun with my kids.  I want my faith to mean something and be real.  Right now its just a shell of what I think I know.  I want to much.

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